It makes me crazy to see all of the Christmas status updates on facebook and to hear the first of the holiday music on the radio…I mean REALLY! Do we have to start all of this NOW??

Ever since my own divorce six years ago, the holidays have never been the same. No, they have not been “bad” or unpleasant; they have just been different than they were when I was married.

Each year when November 1 comes around, I begin to think about Thanksgiving, Christmas (in my case Chanukah) and the New Year. I begin to ask myself all of the questions that need to get answered so that I can begin to create my own holiday plan for the season. The questions I always ask are:

1. What does my custody schedule look like?

2. What is my budget for the holiday season?

3. What do I want the holidays to look and feel like with my kids and my family?

4. What will make me happy this year?

So, the answers are not always easy but these questions give me what I need to create a plan for holiday success. Let me share with you what I mean.

What does my custody schedule look like?

So the first question to be answered is the reality of the situation or what your custody schedule is for the year. I pull out a calendar for November and December and put in all of the days that the kids are with me and the days that they are with their father. I recognize that you and I may have different custody schedules so it is important to look at when you have your children early in the season so that you are prepared to set plans around this schedule.

Some years I have the kids on Thanksgiving, and some years I do not. Some years I have the kids for the 1 st night of Chanukah, and some years I do not. The same goes for New Year’s Eve and so knowing the schedule for the year helps me to begin to design the plan.

What is my budget for the holiday season?

This is a question that is on everyone’s mind…separated, divorced OR married. It is important to clarify what your “real” budget is and to create a financial holiday plan that is realistic and honest. There are many ways to create an amazing holiday celebration that does not include big spending, it just means being creative and open to possibilities!

Once you have clarity around what your budget is, you can then begin to design how you want to spend your money to maximize your celebrations!

What do I want the holidays to look and feel like with my kids and my family?

This is a question that may involve a bit more introspection. How you celebrate the holidays with your children may be dependent on their ages. Having two teenage boys, I have found that engaging them in a conversation around how they want to celebrate the holidays can be really helpful in designing my holiday plan. Last year, I made the decision that what I really wanted was to spend time with the kids…not just have dinner or brunch together and open gifts. I wanted to do something that was fun and that they would remember, and that lasted more than an hour.

So, we all took the train into NYC, walked around and enjoyed the splendor of the holiday windows, the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center and fun, unstructured time together. I gave them a pre-determined amount of money each as their gift and told them that they could spend it on anything they wanted. We went to all of their favorite stores and I was able to share in the joy of seeing them choose a gift that made them really happy!

As well, on holidays when I don’t have my children, I don’t always want to be with family…sometimes it is just too painful for me to celebrate as a family, without them. Instead of just going along with everyone else’s plan, I often will create a time to celebrate the holiday, together with family, when I do have the kids, even if it is not on the actual date of the holiday, but around it. I have let go of what is “supposed” to be and what ideally works for me. Thanksgiving doesn’t “have” to be on Thursday, there is no punishment should it be celebrated on Wednesday or Friday. Rather, we have the opportunity to design our celebrations in a way that meets our needs.

Then, I can create other celebrations and plans for those days that I don’t have my children…with friends, by myself or with a group from www.meetup.com or another social club.

What will make me happy this year?

When is the last time that you asked yourself this question? Do you know what will make you happy over the holidays?

Perhaps you want to create a new celebration with friends and colleagues who don’t have family or are themselves alone during the holidays?

Or, perhaps you want to get away, alone for a couple of days and spend some time reflecting on where you are going and how you are going to get there?

Or, even still, perhaps you want to break tradition now that you are separated/divorced, even if that may make some people in your life uncomfortable or even angry. While there may be a “cost” to honoring how you feel, there is also a “cost” NOT to honor it.

Part of moving forward through and after divorce is to begin to step fully into your own personal power by honoring what you need and want, even if it makes other uncomfortable. As long as you are able to articulate what you want and why with clarity and compassion, it is liberating to step out and walk in your true desires.

Many of my clients struggle during this time of the year with acting on their true desires. They fear hurting or upsetting anyone by “changing” what was…what has always been. The reality, however, is that things are not the same anymore. They are different now, and that is okay. Change always feels uncomfortable.

So again, should you feel that you need support to step fully into your own personal power and design a holiday plan that meets your needs and desires, don’t hesitate to reach out and set up a time for your Holiday SOS coaching session ! You are not alone and deserve to have a joyous and fulfilling holiday season!

As I begin to write my book, which should be released in early 2011, I have so many thoughts running through my head:

• what do I wish I would have known then?
• what are the most important pieces of advice I would give to women who are going through a divorce?
• how would I guide a woman who is making the decision to divorce?
• what are the steps to moving forward through divorce

It has been fantastic to sit and write about these questions and to reflect on all that I want to share.

In addition, I have put these questions out there to my colleagues and Divorce Experts and asked them to answer what they wish women knew before they started the divorce process and how they wished their clients were prepared for the process and transition.

As I get back answers, I have decided that in each Dzine I will share and explore with you one of these wonderful pieces of advice and hope that you are able to apply them to your own situation to make things just a little bit easier.

So, today will be the first of the “tips” that I want to share.  I have chosen this particular item because it was the one that was mentioned far more than anything else and I agree completely with it.  Here it is:

Tip # 1

The greatest piece of advice for you to know and to fully embrace is that your

divorce WILL end and that there will be a wonderful life ahead of you if you

CHOOSE to create it.

What does this mean?

It means that wherever you are, there is a fabulous life waiting for you…when you are ready to step forward and take it!

And it doesn’t matter where you are in the process…deciding whether or not to end your marriage, separated, in the middle of your divorce or moving forward after…this one focus of your attention will be a driving force in what your next chapter looks like.

Each of the experts, professionals and women that I have spoken with have shared that this is the ONE most important thing that they wish they would have known then….when they or their clients felt as though they would never find happiness again, that there is going to be a happy future for them.

I can say, having been exactly where you are, that I never dreamed that I could have the kind of joy and fulfillment that I have now.

No, it didn’t happen overnight, and yes, I had to learn what it meant to “choose and create the life I want”.  I had no idea how to do that and to be honest, it took me a while to actually believe it.  For a long time I believed completely that it was all a bunch of BS and that I was not going to ever have a blissful life.

And, although it is not enough to just believe this, it is truly the first step in the

divorce process and one that will keep you focused during this time.

There will be days, many of them, that will make you feel as though you will never get through it…but those days will be less and less over time and your commitment to believing in your own power to create your new life, will keep you focused and moving forward.

I hope you take this “tip”, write it down on an index card and put it in your wallet or handbag, wherever you can see it on a daily basis.  There is an exceptional new life waiting for you and it is my pleasure and privilege to be a part of your journey getting there.

So I ask you….what’s it gonna take for you to get everything you want?

For me, it was my divorce.

Recognizing that I had spent almost 15 years in a relationship that did not fit and allowing myself to give up my power, was all that I needed to know that it was time to make a

MASSIVE change!

I wanted a passionate relationship;
I wanted to know who I was;
I wanted to create an extraordinary relationship with my children;
I wanted to rediscover those things that made me feel on fire;
I wanted to become financial independent and secure;
I wanted abundance…in all areas of my life!
So…I educated myself.

I took as many personal development courses as I could…live, virtual,

classes, workshops…anything I could get my hands on.  
I was fully present and played full out! 

Most difficult was being honest with myself about what role I played in

getting to where I was.  I took responsibility for my part…in the marriage

and in allowing myself to disconnect to who I really am.
And man, it was painful!  I cried a lot…but I began to connect with others who were also on

a journey of self discovery.  Especially women who could relate to where I was and what I

was going through.  
It was no longer about my divorce…it was about ME.
MY life.
MY joy.
My fulfillment.
And after just a short time…it felt great!  

I saw progress…movement forward.  And I began to feel joy and

excitement….and HOPE!
I learned to:

• Set Goals.
• Create a Vision.
• Design a Life Plan.
• Take Action.
• Celebrate Success!
• Be Accountable.

And I wanted to make sure that I was a part of helping women to do the same!
So again, I ask you….what’s it gonna take?

What’s it gonna take for you to reclaim the life you are meant to life.
To rediscover the amazing YOU within?
To Reconnect to the passionate part of you?

When you are ready…it is all there for the taking!  And I am

here to hold your hand while you begin your journey!

Don’t allow anyone to tell you that you can’t have it all…because you can.
Don’t make excuses that hold you back from doing what you need to do to GET it all.

I know…because I have it all.  I have done the hard work and now I am

living a life of shear bliss.  It is by no means perfect or without challenge,

but it is amazing!  And I want you to have it too!

So, are you ever faced with challenges?

I thought so!!!

When you go through divorce, and especially when you have children, there can be ongoing challenges with having a relationship and partnership with your Ex and possibly family that you no longer wish to spend time with. It is normal and natural to have conflict.

However, it is how you approach the conflict and challenges that begins to create new patterns in your life and allows you to BE the kind of woman, mother and role model that you CHOOSE to be!

When I got divorced, I knew in my head and heart what I wanted to create with my Ex as a new partnership and co-parenting relationship. I knew that I wanted to remember that the children were most important and that we would work together to support our children and create the kind of relationship that would cause them the least amount of pain.

What I hadn’t thought so clearly about was what would happen if he lost sight of our commitment. What would happen if he chose to act in a way that would no longer honor the intentions that we set.

And that is exactly what happened.

It happened for many reasons but the bottom line is that my son’s Bar Mitzvah was the first truly significant event that forced me to face a situation where he and I approached our son’s milestone in completely opposite ways.

His approach was that this was about he and I, and our differences and areas of tension and conflict. That it was about Power and Control.

I approached this as being about our son and that all else could be worked out.

As I learned a long time ago, you can only control what is within your control. And his words, actions and choices were not within my control.

So, I offered lots and lots of possible solutions, each one focused on what was in the best interest of my son. Knowing that time, talent and treasure are all valuable in their own ways, I tried to come up with solutions that would allow us to compromise on all of these.

None of the solutions were acceptable so with no other choice, I was forced to accept that we were going our separate ways. And there was nothing I could do about it.

I was sad.
I was disappointed.
I was frustrated.

So, I got clear.

I got clear about what I wanted the experience to be like with my son, family and friends.

I got clear about what I could offer and provide.

I got clear on how I truly felt and how I wanted to look in my children’s eyes.

I got clear about what I wanted my son’s Bar Mitzvah celebration to look and feel like.

And then I decided to honor this clarity.

I shared it with my kids.

I let them know my vision for this wonderful celebration.

I let them know about the decisions that were being made…with and without me.

I let them know that there were decisions that I did not agree with or want, and that I had tried to create solutions.

I let them know that I honor and respect their father and stepmother, and that my choice would have been to collaborate, but that I could only control me.

I let my family know what was going on and what I wanted to create.

I let my friends know what was going on and what I wanted to create.

And I watched my children’s disappointment and frustration slowly turn into confidence that we were a team and that they could count on me to make sure that this was about them. That I would never create tension and conflict but that I could not always prevent it either.

I moved forward and planned a celebration that was child focused and that honored their father and the choices he had made….even if it was not what I wanted or in the spirit of collaboration.

I watched their father make decisions that attempted to hurt me, but in trying to hurt me, hurt my kids.

They watched me….closely. To see what I would do and if I would retaliate. If I would make vengeful decisions and react out of anger. But I did not.

I stayed focused on what I wanted to create with them. And I was honest and authentic with them.

And they were upset by his actions and disappointed in his choices. The three of us began amazing and open conversations…sharing our feelings and our options. We learned from each other and we grew together.

This past weekend was incredible.

Yes, there was some tension.
Yes, it was not perfect.

But, my son enjoyed every minute of the weekend!!

I was not part of his father’s celebrations as I was not invited. And his father did not accept my invitation to join mine. Regardless, I gave my son permission to enjoy and embrace all of the events that we each created.

My kids, family, friends and community recognize that my Ex acted in a way that was not nice and that focused on his needs rather than those of his son, but that was not the goal.

The goal was to create an experience that honored and celebrated my son….an experience that had been my vision.

• As you face your own conflicts and challenges, how do you want to move forward?

• How do you want to look in the eyes of your children, family, friends…?

• What is it that you want to create? What are you willing to do to manifest that vision?

When we honor our truth and stay focused on what matters most to us, we are then able to be free to create the life that we imagine and deserve.

This week a client asked me why I have chosen to do what I do. And as I answered her, I realized that I have not really been sharing my own truth with you about why I am a Divorce Expert and Coach who works exclusively with women going through the transition of Divorce.

Yes, I am passionate about supporting women to create their ideal life.

Yes, I believe that you should not go along this journey alone.

And, yes, I know how to help women take action…I am a movement maker.

But it is more than that.

In my marriage, I was taken advantage of financially….and I allowed it. I was a victim of someone needing to exert power over me and disregard my thoughts and desires…and I allowed it.

What I realized as I answered my client was that there is much more to the “why” I chose to do what I do.

I have chosen to support women who are allowing or chose to allow themselves to stay in a marriage or life situation that hurts them in any way. It is my divine purpose to work with women and share with them the gifts that I have received through my journey so that they, too, can create what they imagine and deserve.

There were unhealthy patterns in my marriage, and I was the root of some of them. I have learned that I was responsible for behaviors and patterns of behavior that would ultimately allow me to “ignore” the unhappiness that I felt being in a marriage that was not right for me.

So I continued along in my marriage for longer than I should have.

• I was scared to admit that I needed to get out in order to move forward.

• I was lonely in my marriage but also knew that I would experience a different kind of lonliness if I left.

• I was overwhelmed by what a divorce would mean and how I would be able to support myself and my kids.

And yet, Getting out of my marriage was the key to my ultimate happiness as a women.

The honesty and courage it took to divorce and begin my journey was incredible…filled with anxiety and insecurity. However, I did it boldly, proudly and with the intention to divorce with dignity, honor and grace.

I grew to know what I wanted my ideal life to look like and how to get it. And I am really good at it.

As I have journeyed, I made the commitment to share my expertise in doing exactly as I have done. To support women and guide them to get back in touch with the courage, honestly and integrity that is already within them.

And the “them” I am talking about…is YOU.

So when I am asked what makes me an expert and why I chose to become a Divorce and Life Reinvention Coach, it will now be easy to answer.

It is because I have been there, I know exactly how you are feeling, and I known how to support you to move through the journey and create the same kind of blissful life as I have.

We are not meant to go through it alone.

And we need to educate ourselves on how to move forward.

It is not necessarily instinct, there are principles that you can learn and once put into action, will become new habits. They are principles that will completely change your life.

The divorce is your catalyst for change. However, change alone is not effective. It requires progress….one baby step at a time. That is where I come in. It is my greatest passion and joy to see women begin to move forward….it is why I think of myself as a movement maker.

So, if you find yourself living an unfulfilled life, wanting to make change or overwhelmed by what it will mean to take action…allow me to support you in taking the first steps.

This will be the first step in learning to receive love and support.

I am safe.

I am here for you.