I have been having so much fun working with my private clients lately…it is simply amazing watching them step powerfully into their courage and confidence, especially when it scares them to death!

Interestingly enough, the same question seems to be coming up over and over again. Not only with my clients, but with you, through many of your emails; my friends and even myself.

What is that question you ask? Well here it is:

When will it get easier?

It is such a great question because for each of us the “it” is different.

Is “it” your life?

Is “it” your emotional attachment to your ex-husband?

Is “it” balancing all that demands your attention?

Is “it” seeking out new love?

Is “it” finding happiness?

Or, perhaps, at any given time the “it” is defined differently??

For those of you who work with me privately or have had the opportunity to participate in a workshop or event of mine, you have heard my answer to this question. So, here it is:

There is no finish line.

Huh? What does that mean?

Well, it means that there will always be an “it”. And we are never “there”.

My dear friend and fellow relationship coach, Janice, and I were talking recently about our own relationship challenges, when she said, “We are relationship experts…shouldn’t we have perfect relationships. Why are we not there yet?”

So, here are my responses:

1. There is NO such thing as “perfect”…in anything. We strive for ideal in all areas of our lives and being “experts” in our field only means that we need to hold ourselves accountable to “walk our own talk”. That we need to support each other to move forward in our own life honoring who we are and what we want with clarity, confidence and control.

1. There is NO “there”. There is no finish line. There is not a moment in time or in our future when we have arrived at a perfect nirvana. Life is a fluid journey…it is movement forward one day at a time, taking steps everyday towards creating your ideal life.

There will always be challenges, and managing these challenges will provide us with our greatest personal growth. They are opportunities for learning and reaching a deeper level of joy and fulfillment.

For many of us, it is easy to fall into the false belief that we will “arrive” if we accomplish the following:

· find Mr. Right and/or get married

· land the perfect job

· win the lottery

· lose weight

· shop, shop, shop

All of these MAY provide us with joy and/or fulfillment at any given time, but NONE of them will be the “answer”.

A relationship will not become “perfect” simply because you are wearing an engagement ring or walking down an aisle…haven’t we all learned that already?

The “perfect” job is just that…a means for you to develop professionally and perhaps achieve financial stability and independence.

Losing weight and dressing in abundant and fancy clothes is fabulous as an expression of who you are, but does not define happiness.

Instead, “IT” is a journey. A daily movement forward…PROGRESS, moving us closer to the creation of our ideal life.

An by the way, our definition of “ideal” may change day to day, week to week, month to month and year to year….that is what makes it exciting!

There is no “there”. Rather, there is HERE…and NOW. Enjoy it, make the most of it,. and cherish it….everyday

So here’s the real deal. Many of us who have gone through a divorce have also gone through long periods of time without sex. Yes…I said it. While I know that there are some relationships for which the sex continues throughout and even after divorce, more often than not, sex leading up to divorce is a dwindling commodity. And, by the time we actually get divorced, it could be years that we have been sexless.

Can you relate?

It is for this reason that part of the journey during and after divorce is rediscovering the joy of sex…and the sensuality, flirtation and eroticism around it.

For many of us, this part of the journey is often scary and uncomfortable.

It could be that your last date was over 20 years ago. Or, you may have never had sex with anyone other than your husband? Of course it is scary. Not to mention that sensuality and sexuality in your 20’s is far different than in your 40’s and 50”s.

For this reason, I want to share with you a few tips for opening yourself to rediscovering yourself as a feminine woman with a healthy sexual drive!

Your role as wife, and/or mother, may have included ownership of your sexuality and sensuality, but it is conceivable that it did not as well.

For me, where I had once started out as a young, sexy gal…along the way, and two children later, I had lost touch with this very vibrant part of myself.

Becoming single again at almost 40 required me to step into my own journey….a journey to rediscover my new, and more mature, sexual identity.

Sex is not only fabulous…but it is a critical piece of our ability to step into our power as a woman, and one day, a new and exceptional intimate, love relationship.

As such, your exploration and journey is YOURS.

You are no longer a teenager, sneaking around your parents to see the “cute boy” and hoping that no one will find out that you are having sex!!!

You are a grownup…and therefore, you have PERMISSION to flirt, date and have sex with anyone that you want.

However, there are a few things that will make this journey more enjoyable for you:

1. Clarify how you feel and what you want, at your core.

Perhaps you are feeling undesirable and both want and need to feel sexy again. Or, perhaps you are already feeling sexy, and want to simply indulge yourself in new and freeing sexual encounters.

Knowing how you feel and what you want, will begin to help you chart the course for this part of your journey. There are many ways to rediscover your sexuality and connect with the woman within. But, knowing WHY you are choosing to do what you are doing is critical to have a safe and healthy sexual journey.

1. Accept that SEX, sensuality and sexuality are healthy, normal and FUN!

While often scary, sex and sensuality are highly enjoyable parts of being a woman. There are many resources available to you today that will support you as you reconnect to this wonderful part of yourself.

There is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, rather get CURIOUS about what your sexuality means to YOU. And make this part of your journey a priority rather than an afterthought.

1. Everyone’s sexual journey is different.

Each of us express ourselves, our femininity and our sexuality differently. And that is just fine. In fact, it what makes each of us attractive in our own way.

Finding your sexual mojo is an important part of discovering your own power and confidence as a woman. So, embracing the discomfort that may come with it is also important.

If you feel stuck around how you feel and what you want…or what sensuality and sexuality mean to you, get support.

You are beautiful and desirable exactly as you are. When you embrace this journey, you will discover the power of YOU and your femininity!

Do you ever have days when it just feels so hard?! I didn’t really know what this felt like until later in my marriage when I couldn’t figure out why some days (more and more as time when on) felt “hard” to get through.

And there were many hard days once I got separated, went through my divorce and began to move forward after.

To be completely honest with you, there are still days when it feels just so hard.

A client said to me today, “is it really possible to have the life you dream of? I only ask because no one I know is living their dream life…as a matter of fact, so many of them are not happy.”

I can’t begin to tell you just how sad I was to hear her ask this question. As a coach, I am surrounded by people; other coaches, experts, consultants and amazing women who are all on a journey towards living their ideal life.

Her question made me stop and really think about what it means to live the life you imagine.

I know that sometimes the “think positive thoughts” rhetoric can oversimplify the journey, but there is so much truth to our ability to deliberately create what we want.

You, me and thousands of others across the country and world have gone through or are going through the transition of divorce. A transition that while forcing us to reinvent many areas of our lives, is also the catalyst for massive growth; personally, professionally, financially, socially, romantically….

And it is exactly this “massive growth”, that is what makes it feel so hard.

Have you ever heard of growing pains? These minutes, hours or days that feel hard, are our middle age growing pains.

The more discomfort and confusion we feel, the greater the growth. It’s true!!!

You may be saying, BULLSHIT! But it is true. Ask anyone who has achieved massive success or achievement in any area of their life. They withstood extreme discomfort, confusion and even pain to get there.

I share this with all of you in the hope that you will say, AHA, now I get it!

Regardless of the stage of the divorce journey you are on, there will be hard days. And, dare I say that I hope you ALWAYS have hard days, because it will mean that you are continuously growing.

What happens to all living things when they stop growing?

They die.

I am sorry that you may struggle through these hard days…or that they may cause you to become “stuck” at certain moments along your journey.

But that is exactly why I do what I do. Because when I had…and have, my “hard days”, I could have used (and still do) a coach to be my champion, compass and overall cheerleader . That is what I aspire to be for you.

So, in conclusion, YES…there will be many hard days. Embrace them. Nurture them. Surrender to them. For they will ultimately lead you to the growth you will need to get to the life you imagine!

So, here’s the real deal. Part of my new year commitment is to give you the down and dirty reality of divorce.

Yes, where divorce ends, your destiny begins.

And yes, there is an extraordinary life waiting for you.

But, as I say frequently, what happens next is up to you…and that depends on how serious you are about moving forward.

The real first step to moving forward after divorce is to understand where you are and why.

This may sound easy…and perhaps you believe that you already know this. But do you?

Do you really know and understand where you are in your journey? Do you hold yourself accountable for what has and will happen in your life?

Divorce is a tricky business.

There are often issues that can “trick” us into thinking things that might not be true. Issues that prevent us from being accountable for what took place in our marriage and our divorce.

Issues such as:

· “he said, she said”

· infidelity

· “bad spouse means bad parent”

· lack of “education”

Let’s break these down so you can understand what I mean.

1. “He Said/She Said”

When a marriage or relationship breaks down, there is a tendency to forget or lose focus on what the “real” issues are. Instead, it becomes easy to get caught up in our own “version” of what happened. A version that is often clouded by years of repeated patterns of behavior .

When I work with clients, we talk about the marriage and relationship and what it really looked and felt like. Who said what, and when. What patterns of behavior overshadowed the issues that lay underneath.

Things are not always what they seem. The demise of your marriage may also not be “exactly” what it seems. Part of the journey forward is exploring these “versions” and learning what you can from them.

1. Infidelity

Aaahhhh, the “I” word. Here is the real deal about infidelity. Infidelity is NEVER the cause of a divorce. Infidelity is a result of underlying issues within the marriage and relationship. It is a symptom of an extremely serious break in the foundation of the relationship.

Like any other kind of “bad behavior”, the person who is unfaithful has to take responsibility for that action. However, being unfaithful does not excuse the other person’s contribution towards the disintegration of the relationship.

Because the pain of infidelity is so great, it overshadows the real issues going on in both the relationship before, during and after divorce. To free yourself to be able to create what comes next, you will need to look beneath the pain of infidelity and understand what caused the breakdown in the relationship.

1. Bad Spouse/Bad Parent

There are so many pieces of the divorce puzzle, and working through it to put them together can feel like running a marathon when you have never even run a mile!

One of the complications when there are children involved is to confuse emotions about the relationship with your Ex with his role as a father.

If the marriage doesn’t work out, it doesn’t automatically make him a bad father. The issues you had in your marriage, and even through and after divorce, are not necessarily issues that will affect his relationship with your children.

The emotions we carry for our Ex can often challenge our ability to work through the creation of a new, co-parenting relationship.

1. Lack of Education

The greatest challenge to the process of moving through the transition of divorce is undoubtedly the breakdown of communication between both parties.

Usually, the breakdown in communication is one of the core reasons leading to the divorce in the first place. And most often, this continues through and after the divorce. It is “not knowing” how to manage conflict within intimate relationships and resolve issues as they arise, that inevitably leads to relationship deterioration.

Here’s the truth. In almost all instances, it is not INTENTION, but rather a lack of education and training, that prevents good communication and the ability to save the marriage.

We were not trained in school growing up on how to communicate effectively with friends and love relationships. And so when we find ourselves in an emotionally charged situation, we do not possess the skills to navigate ourselves out of it.

Do these scenarios sound familiar?

Men, just like us, are going through their own journey….and face EXACTLY THE SAME emotional challenges that we do.

If you are REALLY serious about moving forward in 2011, then the first step is to know where you are, how you got here and fully understand your role in it.

I am here to support you if you should find yourself struggling with this first step. For if you don’t take this step, you may find yourself stuck exactly where you are or repeating these patterns in your next chapter!

There is so much that I want to share with you as we leave 2010 and enter the New Year and Decade with confidence, clarity, comfort and control! But, I don’t have enough room in this one Dzine to write it all down!

So, I have decided to write my Top 10 Tips for Creating Your New Year Mindset and hope that it gives you a brief outline for moving into the new year.

Regardless of where you are in the journey of divorce, all of these tips will apply to your life and offer you ideas for how to begin to approach your future.

1. Leaving “it” Behind

As I mentioned earlier, before you can enter the New Year, you will need to leave behind all that no longer serves you in 2010. All of the negative emotions, behaviors that are self sabotaging, and limiting beliefs and fears that hold you back from all that you want to accomplish.

So, write them all down and some time before December 31 you can burn the list releasing them into the universe, bury them under a tree that brings you joy and pleasure, or rip it into little tiny pieces and toss them in the garbage. Release them from your life so that you can create the space necessary to enter the new year and decade.

1. Big Vision

Often it is scary to let go of “what was” in order to make room for what will be because when we do let go, we create an open slate ahead of us. To help us manage the discomfort of not knowing what will be, we can create a Big Vision for what our next year will look like.

You can either write this Big Vision down, or better yet, you can create a vision board to symbolize all that you want to do, be or create in the coming year. Take a big poster board and on it, create what your New Year will look and feel like. Use markers to write words or messages that you want and glue to stick pictures and images of what you want to create in 2011. When it is done, you can post it up in a place thatyou will see each and every day.

1. Set Your Intentions

Once you have let go of all that does not serve you and created your Big Vision, now it is time to set your intentions.

You can set your intentions to commit to the Big Vision, including all of the behaviors, patterns, and habits that you want to create moving forward. Then you can focus your attention on your intentions which will become a big part of your inner guidance system.

1. Goal Setting

Learning how to set goals is critical to being able to reach them. The process of managing your goals; short, medium and long term, will allow you to move closer to your Big Vision each week and month.

Write down your top three short, medium and long term goals around the Big Vision that you have already created.

1. Daily Practice

The problem with “New Year Resolutions” as they are usually defined, is that there is a great goal, with no plan behind it. So, it is no wonder that approximately 95% of people give up on their resolutions in the first month.

To accomplish your goals, you will need a plan behind each one as well as a daily commitment an action to bring you closer to reaching them. If you are making progress every day and week, before you know it you will be attaining the goals that you have set for yourself.

1. Discipline

The other area that most people fall short in the “New Year Resolution” arena is in thinking that because they set them, that they will simply happen. Even with the best plan, you will have to commit to the discipline of taking consistent action every day if you are going to continue successfully along your journey of transformation.

The New Year is the perfect time to re-ignite your commitment to YOU and to a new life discipline.

1. Circle of Support

Part of letting go may include relationships that no longer serve you. One of the keys to moving forward, wherever you are in your journey, is to surround yourself with people (friends, colleagues and mentors) that support your progress moving forward.

To do this, you may need to let certain relationships go, even if they are friends or lovers. This may be an uncomfortable task for you, but out of this discomfort will come your greatest growth and will, again, create space for you to welcome new people in. Take a few moments over the next week to honestly evaluate the relationships in your life…and make sure that they each support your growth and well being.

1. Focus

You have done a lot of work by now in getting clear, setting intentions, creating goals and making space for all that you want to do, be and create.

As long as you keep your FOCUS on your Big Vision, your goals and your daily discipline and action plan, you will find yourself with a wonderful momentum forward.

1. Set a New Standard

Over the past year you may have found yourself desiring change and hoping that you would find a way to move forward. You may also have focused on simply “getting by”.

As you enter the New Year, set a new standard for yourself. New expectations, a new “bar”, a new way of being. We are blessed with the ability to CHOOSE exactly how we want to be and feel. This is your year for defining what you want it to be.

1. New Year Celebration

Celebrate! Not just celebrate the New Year on December 31, but each and every movement forward and success, small or large.

We all typically focus on what we don’t have, didn’t do or fell short of…a habit that leaves us disempowered. Make this year the year you BREAK this habit and commit to focusing your attention and energy on all that you have, do, and achieve!

Have a wonderful holiday and I look forward to supporting you to make 2011 your best year yet!