Written by Sandra Gahlinger
http://www.soulandsuccess.com

You can have a great relationship. It’s magical when it happens…but it doesn’t happen by accident. You have control. It’s up to you.
 
The good news is you already have within you everything that’s required to create and keep a fantastic relationship.
 
FIND: “Man”-ifesting the right guy (or gal)
 
Decide what you want. Do not settle.
 
(Trust me…I have dated all the wrong guys…some real doozies! You can have a great guy.)
 
You are here and have a right to choose what kind of relationship you want. People laugh, but I manifested my hubs.
 
I had hired my first coach, Kathie Wickstrand-Gahen, and she had me do an exercise to get really clear on things I wanted – not just a “great guy”, but specifically, what did I mean by “great guy”.
 
I created my husband on paper, in detail, months before we met.
 
Come to find out that my husband had done something similar. He hadn’t written it out, but he’d prayed to meet a southern woman, with certain values, living in Coronado, California….one of my values, by the way, was a man that believed in God or a Higher power and operated from that trust and belief.

Think about the type of person you want – what is that person’s views and values on himself, family, faith, the world?   Note: It’s important what the person thinks of themselves because they won’t think any higher of you than they do of themselves. TIP: A great place to start is to think about the kind of person you want to become and your qualities that you want to grow, then put those on paper. After all, you become like the people you hang out with.

 
This is a small part of my checklist:

·    a goofy sense of humor (check),
·    a love of animals (check),
·    intellectually curious (check),
·    faith in a higher power (check),
·    openness to new ideas (check),
·    emotionally open (check)
·    thoughtful to me and others – flowers, calling (check)
·    good relationship with his parents (check)

CREATE: Loving Out the Limitations
 
Part of love is the opportunity to grow. Part of growth is facing fear. We were not meant to live in fear. Fear’s goal is to keep you small. Ultimately, it keeps you from living the life you want to live, and it’ll keep you from having the relationship you want to have.
 
Know that a great relationship is going to bring up your fears. It’s not something to run from. When fears come up, many times our reaction is to “fight” or to defend ourselves…often we’ll want to blame the other person.
 
These kinds of challenges are the universe’s way of freeing you from the bondage that fear creates. The Bible says, “Perfect love casteth out fear.” I’d never thought of that verse in these terms until just now as I write this…but wow, it’s so true. Fear and love cannot exist together, and love is the stronger of the two if you trust it.
 
I’ve learned through my hubs that you can talk about money in a relationship without raising your voice, without shame. This was a big fear for me to release. I didn’t know it could be different.
 
TIP: When you have those conversations that scare you, and you meet the challenges that come up, your relationship grows to a deeper level – it just gets sweeter and even more solid. That’s the reward of facing those fears – a deeper relationship with yourself and your spouse.
 
KEEP: Share the Love
 
Nothing kinky…
 
It’s old advice, but tell the person often, daily, every time you see them, talk to them, email or Skype them….tell him that you love him, how much you appreciate him, how great it is to have him in your life, how sexy you think he is, how much you admire him, how proud you are of him, etc, etc.
 
First of all, everyone likes to hear these things. Don’t you?
 
How often do you think it and don’t share it?
 
I have to say that I learned this by my husband’s example, and it was a bit odd for me at first. Now, it’s like second nature for me, and I can’t imagine it any other way.
 
Plus, you need to remember that everything you think and say goes through you first. Your thoughts create biological/chemical responses in your body.
 
Communicating positive discharges positive chemicals throughout your system.
 
Last thoughts…
 
Part of creating a life you love is deciding what you want that life to look like…and then taking the steps to make it happen. It’s no different for relationships.
 
These steps for finding, creating, and keeping a great relationship apply to all areas of your life.
 
The bottom line here is “being”…your life will ultimately match up to your being.
 
Who (and how) do you want to be?

As a result, things did go smoothly and I made every conceivable effort to maintain a “family” feeling for my children.

Unfortunately, I learned over the next few years, that there is a vast difference between “emotional separation” and an actual divorce.

They are two different processes that need to be addressed in two different ways.

Many of you have shared with me your ongoing difficulty in communicating with your soon-to-be-ex husband as the divorce process moves forward.  Managing the emotions of communicating with him becomes a challenge with accomplishing the tasks that need to get done for the divorce process.

The reason that you are having this kind of difficulty is that you have not “separated” the Emotional Experience from the Business Negotiation.

This is not an easy task and my research suggests that there is no rulebook on how to do it.

The following are the 5 steps that I use in working with clients to begin this process:

1.  Understanding

Before you can make any progress in separating these two parts of the process, you must fully understand what you are going through and why this kind of separation is necessary.

Most people cling to the emotional piece because even if it is challenging and unpleasant, it still represents a “connection” to your husband and is familiar.  When you begin the separation of the emotional and business aspects of the divorce, what you will feel is overwhelming sadness. 

It is important to understand what you will go through so that you are prepared for it when the going gets tough!

2.  Clarity

Once you understand what the process will look like, it is time to begin to gain clarity as to:

• what you want and need from the divorce negotiation
• what you want your life to look like

While you are dissolving your marriage, or divorcing, you will need to begin moving forward on your own and creating a new divorce lifestyle.

Exploring what that new lifestyle will look like can be frightening, even if you are looking forward to creating an extraordinary life.  Whether your marriage was good, bad or horrible…it was still FAMILIAR.  Getting used to unfamiliarity and discomfort will be the hardest part of this journey.

3.    Boundaries

Learning to create boundaries in your life can sometimes prove to be more challenging than you think.

Boundaries with:

• ex-husband
• kids
• friends
• family
• colleagues

All of these relationships are going to be changing and it is YOU who gets to create the way that they look.  You get to manage your boundaries.

For example, while going through the “business negotiation” of your divorce, your lawyer is the one who communicates your wants, needs and requests to your husband through his attorney.  It is not necessary to talk through these issues with your husband…especially if the conversations become emotional and unproductive.  Setting boundaries around how and what you will communicate with your soon-to-be-ex is critical to this process.  

The same holds true for each of these relationships.

4.    Self Care

This will be difficult and emotional process.  During this time, it is most important that you take care of yourself; mind, body and soul.

As your fear and lonliness settle in, being prepared with the strategies to take care of yourself so that you are nurtured during this time will be key.

Be gentle with yourself and create rituals and practices that calm you, give you courage and help you stay focused and on track.

5.    Personal Action Plan

As you begin this separation process, it now becomes time to develop your Personal Action Plan.  This plan will take into account all of the areas of your life that need your attention.  

One of these areas is the Business Negotiation of the divorce.  However this is only one small piece.  The others are:

• financial
• professional
• parenting
• dating
• social
• recreational

As you can see, each of these areas will need your attention and unless you have a clear plan for each, the overwhelm will paralyze you.

You are not SUPPOSED to do this alone.   No one is!  Rather, knowing what you need to do is the first step, the second step is to give yourself a chance at success by getting support.

It is not only possible to move gracefully and happily through this process, but probable if you make a commitment to yourself and work hard at it.

I am here to support you and to help you move forward.  And you are here for each other.  Together we can create the life you WANT and DESERVE!

1. permission to forgive themselves
2. permission to ask for what they want
3. permission to hold people accountable for their action, behaviors and words
4. permission to be who they are
5. permission to create a life that makes them happy

1. selfish
2. irresponsible
3. aggressive
4. “manly”
5. arrogant

Living your life the way you want, as long as it is with honor, integrity and respect for those in your life and the people around you, is NONE of these things! So let me ask you:

Do you deny yourself permission?
Do you look to others for permission to live the life you want?

You have ONE life to live! Live wisely!

I am here to support you and to help you move forward.  And you are here for each other.  Together we can create the life you WANT and DESERVE!

I will never leave any woman asking “What am I supposed to do next?”

I believe in a woman’s higher purpose, no obstacle will stop you from getting to your goals.

1. Are you having sex?
2. Do you love sex?
3. Do you miss sex?
4. How long has it been since you have had the kind of sex that you want to have?

1. increase self esteem
2. gain courage to leave a marriage
3. create jealousy
4. provide a false sense of security and intimacy
5. control

It is common for both men and women to go “crazy” during separation and/or divorce and want to “find their sexual mojo” and have a great time…after all, don’t we all deserve it?

Yes….and No!

Yes, we all deserve a healthy and fantastic intimate and sexual relationship, but;

No, sex does not always provide us with what we THINK it does and can sometimes backfire on us.

Sex does NOT:

1. mean love
2. take away the sadness of the journey of divorce
3. fill the void where a spouse once was
4. replace good, healthy friendships
5. make a great relationship
6. mean commitment

I believe, and I recognize that many of you will disagree with me, that sex is an important part of life and if viewed in the right way, can have a healthy place in this divorce transition.

For example, wanting and needing to share a physical sexual encounter with someone does not necessarily mean that you want or are ready for a new relationship.

It is possible to want a casual, yet sexual, dating relationship as you move forward in your journey and begin to regroup and rebuild the foundation of your life.

I am here to give you permission to CHOOSE how sex fits into your life…you are an adult and can make choices for yourself and your body.

What this does mean, however, is that you have to gain clarity about what SEX means for you, you must exercise discretion, and you must take precautions for your health and safety.

Using sex for the wrong reasons during this time will ultimately lead to further sadness, confusion, anxiety, and overwhelm and can complicate your divorce, your decision making and your commitment to your children.

I strongly suggest that you DO NOT:

• have sex within the community you and your children frequent
• use sex to avoid dealing with issues you need to address
• talk with friends, family or children about your personal sexual experiences
• AVOID USING PROTECTION
• confuse sex with a relationship

Exploring your sensuality, rediscovering your sexuality and engaging in new sexual relationships is all part of the journey of divorce.

The most valuable advice I can give to you is:

1. Know what sex means for you

   Use this time to rediscover what sensuality means for you.  Explore what you want from sex…comfort, security, self esteem, a fabulous time…  Don’t make the mistake of jumping into another relationship solely because you want to have frequent sex with a great looking guy.  You can have the sex without the relationship if that is what is right for you at this moment in time.  There is plenty of time to evaluate what a GREAT relationship is for you and what it looks like.  Sometimes we need to focus on the foundation of our lives before we can share them with another person.

2. Keep your sexual encounters out of the divorce process
   
   If you are not discreet, your soon-to-be-ex will be more difficult than ever…rightfully so.  It is unfair and immature to use sex as a means of re-directing, controlling, or hurting him.  It will always backfire.  As well, be cautious to keep your private life out of the community in which your children are.  People talk as we all know, and not all parents and adults think before they speak.  You would never want your children to hear things about you whether they are true or not.
3. Be safe

   The world of sexually transmitted diseases is VASTLY different than when we were twenty!  Most people who carry STDs are unaware that they have it and the statistics are staggering.  USE A CONDOM!  Just because we are “adults” does not mean that we are more responsible.  There are plenty of single parents and professionals that are irresponsible in this area of their lives.

I am here to support you and to help you move forward.  And you are here for each other.  Together we can create the life you WANT and DESERVE!