So, as the weather gets nice, if you are anything like me, you are simply itching to get out!

As my dear friend and fellow divorcee said this past weekend, “All I want is to find a nice guy and have a great time this summer…where do I find him?”

Are any of you feeling the same way?

If you are, then you are not alone! So, do you want to know what I told her?

YOU DON’T NEED A MAN TO HAVE A GREAT TIME THIS SUMMER…however if you have a great time this summer, you might find a great man!

What do you mean, you ask?

Well, here is what I mean. There is nothing more attractive than someone who is enjoying themselves completely! Whatever it is, they are doing, you can see that they are simply having a great time!

This same friend of mine is just beginning to online date and is confused by just how it works. She asked, “I emailed him yesterday, but he didn’t get back to me yet. What does this mean?” I suggested to her that perhaps he was busy with work, or hobbies or his children…perhaps he doesn’t sit by his computer all day trolling for dates!

What if he is just a busy guy doing the things he both needs and wants to do…doesn’t she want someone with a full life that he wants to share with her????

I offered, “Why don’t you find a few hobbies for yourself and get involved with things that interest you…you will probably meet more people when you are not looking than if you are?”

What is the moral of this short story? It is to make a full and rich life for yourself and when you are enjoying all the areas of your life, your radiance will shine and you might be surprised at who walks in the door!

Here are my five tips for having a great time this summer:

1. Explore What You Love Doing

Take time now, before June, to identify those things that you love doing. Is it bike riding? Is it listening to music? Is it fishing? Is it wine tasting? Is it networking?

Make a list of those 5 things that you would like to indulge in this summer. Don’t worry about how to do it, just simply brainstorm what those five interests or hobbies are and then put them in priority, 1-5.

2. Get Involved

Next, do a little research on any clubs or groups in your area that DO what you love doing? Checkout sites like www.meetup.com that have groups around every conceivable interest and hobby.

Find the local “women’s only” centers where they offer retreats, classes or events.

Find out when your local Chamber of Commerce has its Business After Hours, a casual happy hour where you can go as a professional, job seeker or simply Chamber supporter.

Take a risk and attend an event for the first time!

3. Online Dating

Okay ladies! If you work, have children, commitments and don’t love to drink, then going out to bars to meet people and have a great night out is probably not going to get you to meet people!

If you would like to date, which is a fun thing to do, then your best luck will be with online dating.

You can choose:

www.eharmony.com
www.match.com
www.jdate.com
www.fitnesssingles.com

What creates the most success with these sites, however, is not the scantily clad photo…but the honesty, creativity and intriguing profile that you write. Something that truly reflects who you are and what you are looking for. Need help, just let me know!

4. Self Care

You MUST take care of your mind, body and soul…or the rest of you will not radiate!

Make this summer your time to:

• take a yoga class
• try kickboxing
• walk every single day
• meditate
• clean up your eating

Each small change you make in the way you take care of yourself, will have dramatic results for the rest of you!

5. Volunteer

If you feel as I do, and you want to make a difference in someone’s life, then take the time to find a non-profit to support with your time.

The ALL need our support right now…the economic recession has dramatically affected the ability of non-profits to continue their valuable missions.

Again, explore what is most important to you and I can promise that there is a nonprofit that supports your cause. And, I can practically guarantee that they would be thrilled to have your time, talent and/or treasure to help them serve others.

Again, if you don’t know where to begin, let me know and I will point you in the right direction!

I hope you start TODAY to shape the way you want your summer to look…once your vision is created…you can begin to manifest it!

To stop and explore where you are today will begin to prepare you for where you want to go.

The process of evolving and to begin your journey, involves first understanding where you are today and why.

Often times people will say, “This is who I am” or “This is just the way I am”, as if this is:

• the way they were born
• the way they have to be
• a reason for not making change in their lives

NONE OF THESE ARE TRUE, they are simply an excuse to avoid understanding what is really going on!

We are where we are today because of all of the experiences that we have had over our lifetime. They have formed our choices and our decisions…creating for us a set of “rules” by which we lead our lives.

For example:

1. If I don’t make XXX amount of money, I am a failure.
2. If I am not happy all the time then I am not a good wife.

Often times we do not even know the complicated and impossible rules that we have set for ourselves. Rules that make it impossible for us to be successful within our own lives.

The good news is, they are not permanent! You are NOT your values and rules…you get to create new, empowering values and rules whenever you wish!

How do you do that? Well, there are a few first steps that you can take to understand what your current rules and values are so that you know where your journey begins.

Step One

Determine what your current positive values are. Make a list of the 5 values that are most important to you…to help, use the question:

What has been most important to you to feel in your life?

When you have done this, you will know the top five feelings that you currently aspire to experience.

Step Two

Then you need to determine what “rules” you have made about each one of them? To do this, answer the following question for each of the 5 values:

What has to happen in order for you to feel _________?

When this part is complete, you will know the “rules” of each of your top 5 values….what needs to happen for you to feel each of the values.

Step Three

Determine what your current negative values are. Make a list of the 5 values that you don’t want to feel…to help, use the question:

In the past, what have been the feelings you would do almost anything to avoid having to feel?

When you have done this, you will know the top five feelings that you currently do not want to feel.

Step Four

Then you need to determine what “rules” you have made about each one of them? To do this, answer the following question for each of the 5 values:

What has to happen in order for you to feel _________?

When this part is complete, you will know the “rules” of each of your top 5 values….what has to happen for you to feel the awful feeling that you are trying to avoid.

When you complete this exercise, you will have a picture of what you have set for your own rules of what has to happen to feel both your positive and negative values.

And when you do….your life will change forever!

However, this is just the beginning. You are not YOUR CURRENT values and rules. But, now that you know what has been driving you to feel what you do, you are well on your way to creating those new and empowering values and rules.

If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity, it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life and when it comes, hold your head high, look it squarely in the eye and say, “I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.” – Ann Landers

Divorce, as with any major life transition, will at some point leave us asking the question, “What do I do now”?

These five little words, which can creep up on us everyday, many times during the day or never leave us alone, if left unanswered, will eventually cause us emotional, psychological and many time physical pain and suffering.

Most often, it leaves us anxious, scared, paralyzed, overwhelmed, weepy, angry, irritable, sad, insecure and unable to focus on those things most important to us. 

The key to mastering this feeling of utter paralysis is to be prepared for what to do when this powerful, albeit tiny, little question rears its ugly head!

The following steps will guide you to manage the feeling that you are losing control when you don’t know what to do next.

Step One: Take a deep breath.

We all take breathing for granted as it is something that is done without our thought and effort. What we don’t often think about, however, is that how we breathe can affect our ability to slow down and think more clearly. When we begin to feel anxious, our bodies respond by breathing faster, our adrenaline begins to rush through our bodies and our body temperature begins to rise. It is at this point that slow, deep breathing will help us to regain control of the involuntary response that our body is having.

When you first begin to feel anxious, close your eyes and take 10 slow deep breaths, or as many as it takes, until your body begins to slow into a more calm and settled place.

Step Two: Journaling

Divorce can leave us not only asking what we are supposed to do next, but it will also leave us with our heads spinning and our thoughts and emotions in a mutiny against us.
It is hard enough to get out of bed in the morning…almost impossible to consider managing children, getting to and performing at work, eating, sleeping and taking care of a home.

One of the most helpful suggestions I can make is to begin journaling. Purchase a beautiful, decorative and calming journal and begin carrying it with you at all times. When you have that surge of anxiety and you feel yourself sinking into an abyss of confusion, get out your journal and just start writing.

Don’t think, don’t edit, don’t worry about how it sounds or looks…just write. Every thought, every “to do” task, every emotion, every question…everything that enters your mind. Just get it down on paper. Once it is on paper for you to go back to you when you are in a better place, you will feel your breathing begin to slow down and your thoughts stop spinning. At a later time, you will be able to look over what you wrote and manage all of the questions and thoughts that overwhelmed you earlier.

Step Three: Take Control

Many times our fear and anxiety is based on feeling out of control. In reality, most parts of our lives are within our control and are simply buried beneath our emotions, insecurities and overwhelm.

Journaling with help to get our thoughts, emotions and fears out of our heads and onto paper, but it is then that the hard work begins. Take those thoughts and anxieties and look at them with fresh eyes and the courage and confidence that Ann Landers expressed in her quote, “I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.”

Breaking it down into smaller parts and taking one little step at a time begins to clarify how much we are in control of our time, energy, emotions, actions and beliefs.

Step Four: Take Care of Yourself

We can only put out what we have inside. Ultimately, the factors that influence your health and vitality are your decisions. The food you eat, the lifestyle you lead and the health and fitness that you incorporate are what will create the highest functioning YOU! And, you will need to be at your peak performance to handle the opportunities and experiences that you will have during this time of transition.

What will determine your life choices and your level of action, and therefore the impact on your quality of life are three things:

• A compelling vision and purpose that will drive you to follow through
• The decisions you make: what you resolve to stand for, believe and take action on
• A schedule plan for implementation

Creating and maintaining a healthy mind, body and spirit will be the most important commitment you make to yourself.

Step Five: Ask For Help!

You are not alone. You are not the first…nor the last woman that will go through the transition of divorce. Yours will be unique journey of creating the life you want, but there are many who want your inner light to shine!

As women, we are often under the belief that we should be able to handle everything on our own…but this is NOT true!

There are an extraordinary number of tools, resources and support out there for you. You will need advice, guidance, and a strong and supportive circle of people in your life.

You are the champion of your own destiny, but you will make better choices and decisions if you are aware of all of the options and resources available to you.

So, ask for help. Find a support group, join a social network, take up a hobby that you haven’t had the time or energy to do or work with a Life Coach to jumpstart your journey and create a path to move along. A life coach will help you to answer the question “What do I do next?”

Yours will be a journey of discovery and reconnecting to yourself. It is yours to own and you are in control of its direction. You are bold, beautiful and brave… and all that you need to get the life you want is within you.

Dear Oprah,

Oprah – you get this, obviously. Your friendship with Gayle is well documented and confirms that having close, sister-like friends is not only advantageous and fun, but actually vital. We need girlfriends for our mental, and often spiritual, relational, emotional and even physical health. Studies prove this. Just a few facts:

·When placed in stressful situations, men respond with ‘fight or flight.’ Women choose to ‘tend and befriend’ – we want to take care of our young and to be with our friends. Part of our DNA, this response goes all the way into the animal world with the prairie vole, a monogomous rodent. When the males are stressed, they run to their female partner. When the female voles are put in a stressful situation, they retreat to the females with whom they were raised. It’s part of our DNA. (From “The Tending Instinct,” by Shelley E. Taylor.)

·We all know that friendship can make us happier, but now we know that friendship can make us healthier. Studies have found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate and cholesterol, major risk factors for heart disease. A landmark UCLA study found that when a woman engages in “tending and befriending,” her body, unlike a man’s, releases more oxytocin, a chemical that counters stress and produces a calming effect. From the famed Nurses’ Health Study from Harvard Medical School, researchers concluded that not having close friends or confidants was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight. “There’s no doubt,” says Dr. Klein, “that friends are helping us live longer.” National Women’s Friendship Month is a great opportunity to celebrate these important friendships and to educate women about health issues. (from Kappa Delta’s facts on National Women’s Friendship Day)

·”The Tending Instinct” also documented how children look to women for tending, men look to women for tending, and women look to women for tending. So, it there are so many physical and emotional benefits for women due to friendships, does that demonstrated that we can take care of our community when we take care of the women – and that friendships are a key part of that equation.

·However, a nationwide survey released June 2006 found a sharp decline in friendships. Study co-author Lynn Smith-Lovin,a sociologist at Duke University in Durham, N.C., said, “From a social point of view, it means you’ve got more people isolated.” Weakening bonds of friendship can have far-reaching effects. Among them: fewer people to turn to for help in crises like Hurricane Katrina, fewer watchdogs to deter neighborhood crime and fewer participants in community groups. (Also from Kappa Delta facts.)

·Women who form community together (become friends) are more concerned and compassionate about the well-being of the other. I traveled to South Africa in 2006 and met several women there. I now care more when I hear about tribal conflicts and AIDS issues there. I’m more compassionate because I have friends there whom I care about.

Life is short and filled with unknowns. Several of my girlfriends have cancer. One is going through a divorce right now. Many are dealing with their own financial crisis. Most of us have over complicated our lives with jobs, schedules, kid’s schedules and all kinds of responsibilities and excessive expectations.

Female friendship makes us healthier, happier, live longer, less-stressed and even feel more beautiful. Let’s live our best life by befriending others and ourselves. Let’s support each other. Cheer for other’s success and celebrate our friendships. Let’s take care of us (by having healthy friendships) so we can take care of others (and demonstrate to our children the blessings and joys of friendship).

So Oprah, go spend some time with Gayle. Call her up and laugh about your day or talk about great shoes together. It doesn’t have to be monumental and super meaningful, just a conversation between girlfriends. I guarantee all the stress of the day will vanish and your outlook on life will shift in a wonderful direction.

Let’s all spend time with our girlfriends and support each other. Let’s turn the trend around and take back our friendships and our schedules. Let’s be the friend we’d love to have.
Thanks for the reminder. Thanks for being a great girlfriend by example. And thanks for reading this!

Your friend, Debba, founder of Girlfriendology.com.

Its not communication, its “Ex-Management”

Soon after my divorce, I realized that my ex-husband and I no longer knew how to communicate with each other.

Fifteen years, two children, 4 years of therapy and a divorce later, we were unclear as to how to be “partners” instead of “spouses”.

Our marriage had not worked out, but having kids, we now needed to manage our new “family” and the two little boys we call our children. I quickly realized that although our marriage had ended in divorce, we had taken the time for marriage counseling and I had a much greater understanding of who my Ex was and how he approached things in life. And although it had not worked for me in our relationship, I was going to have to work with him for the rest of my life as a “parenting partner” and this was going to take some skill, thought and effort.

It is easy to fall into a pattern of regret, anger (both at yourself and your ex) for not knowing that it would not work out, and frustration at having to work with this person for the rest of your life. However, this serves no positive purpose and will result in many failed conversations, destructive communication and un-ending drama with him/her that will cause your friends, family and co-workers to avoid making eye contact with you. Rather, it is time to once again take the high road and learn to manage this newly forming relationship.

The following tips will help in developing a new strategy for “Ex-management” and provide a method for creating positive communication:

1. Affirm and acknowledge all the good things that he/she does as a parent…you will want to inspire the greatest performance from them as a parent.
2. Share with your Ex any cute, funny or amazing things that your child(ren) do – through email or a phone call if you are able to have positive direct communication. No one will appreciate your children more than you and your Ex as their parents and it will keep the parenting relationship open for communication.
3. Remember that your children will share with your Ex everything that goes on when they are with you – The same is true in reverse. If there is anything that you think may frustrate, upset or aggravate your Ex, send a brief email letting them know what they might expect to hear.
4. Patience – you are no longer married, so you do not have to live with your Ex any longer. You do, however, owe it to yourself and your children to be patient with your Ex and foster a positive parenting partnership.
5. We all had children knowing that it was a 24/7 commitment – Although you now live with a custody arrangement, you are a parent all day, every day. Do not get aggravated when there are parenting things that interrupt that schedule and infringe on you when it’s really “his day”. Remember that it is about the children, not about convenience.
6. Flexibility – try to remain flexible. If you are able to be supportive, collaborative, and helpful when your Ex needs it, it will be much easier to gain the same when you need it. There will be times when you do need it and having a “give and take” with your Ex will be extremely beneficial during these times.

Your relationship with your Ex will become one of the most important relationships that you will have during your lifetime if you have children. Practicing patience, flexibility and compassion will ultimately benefit your life and the lives of your children. After all, it is about them….divorce does not hurt the kids, your relationship with your Ex does.

Have a great week!