You will notice that I capitalized the word NEW in the title of this article. Why, you ask? Well, because all that lies ahead of you will be NEW!

• New opportunities and possibilities
• New relationships…even with some of the same people who have been in your life
• New focus and commitments
• New social activities
• New patterns and rituals
• New vision

I love the last week of each year because it is a time to Let Go of what has not served us and create the space for all that can and will happen in the year ahead!

Each of you has expressed to me at one point or another the challenges that you face with your separation and divorce. I, myself, continue to face the challenges of single and co-parenting with an Ex and a divorced lifestyle so I understand completely the emotional, physical and financial toll that it takes to manage so much challenge and transition.

Instead, I focus my INTENTION and ATTENTION on those things that I can control:

• my health and wellness
• my finances
• my choice in friendships and relationships
• my relationship with my children
• my activities and hobbies
• my thoughts
• my energy

Believe it or not, every one of these items is well within your control. It is our fear of the unknown and our comfort in the familiar that keeps us STUCK in where we are instead of where we can be!

As you enter 2010, remember that it is a NEW year…a year of the unknown and the grand possibility of creating what YOU want!

That 2010 will be filled with all that you focus on and create…not what you are given.
Recently, a significant number of you have written to me describing the situations that you face with your Ex or Soon to be Ex husbands….financially, emotionally, parenting related, and in all other ways.

While I completely understand all that you are going through, having been there myself, I want to share with you a simple truth:

The more you focus on your Ex and all of the anxiety, overwhelm, sadness, anger, hostility, and fear that he brings to you…the more you will get of exactly the same.

Why?

Because we always get more of what we focus our attention on.

This is the simple and absolute truth.

Bonnie’s call to me this morning was evidence of this truth. Her ability to control her focus and attention and commit to turning obstacles into opportunities, opened to the door to a series of unexpected, anticipated and incredible events that have moved her closer to creating her ideal life. It is that simple.

Are you ready for something NEW?

I am. And I hope that you will join me this year in making 2010 the year YOU decide to welcome in the NEW…even if you have no idea of what that is!

Even if it scares you to death!
Even if you have no idea of how you are going to get there!
Even if you haven’t clarified your vision.
Even if you feel alone!
Because you are not. We are all in this together.

I wish you a happy, healthy, joyous, prosperous and abundant new year!

I have to share with you how I spent my day this past Saturday as I know that you all will relate and I learned so very much in the process!

Sometimes it is easy for us to wonder if those “experts” or authors of the newsletters that we read really do share a common experience with us and understand what we are going through.

So, today I can absolutely tell you that I DO!

As I sat to write out what I really wanted to create this holiday season, one of the hardest areas to design was sharing the holidays with my children.

I have two boys, ages 12 and 15. As you can imagine, spending time with their mother is not at the top of their list…they are most committed to their friends and their social lives.

When I honestly thought about how I wanted to celebrate the holidays with them, I knew that I wanted to spend a whole day with them…doing something together that would be without the computer, facebook and the endless stream of texting. Something that would create opportunities for laughter and “bonding”, and would not focus on spending money, but rather, sharing an experience.

So, I decided that this year, I would give them each some money as their gift, and we would take the train into New York City and spend the day walking around and enjoying the festivities of the Big Apple. They would be able to spend their money any way they wanted!

Well, it seemed like such a wonderful intention?

The first challenge came when my oldest son committed to a plan with his father without telling me on my custodial day. While normally he is welcome to make a plan with his father, even on my custodial day, he has to ask me first and make sure I have no plan in place already.

So, I was forced to make a decision, honor the plan he had made without my consent or intervene and honor what I had planned. I made my choice. I told his father that he could not honor his plan because he had not checked with me first and then I told my son that he needed to honor the special day that I had put together. Needless to say, both his father and my son were not so happy with me and some unpleasantness followed. My son told me that he was so upset at having to cancel this plan (going to see a concert) that he would not, in fact, come with us to New York.

I calmly told him what my intention, goal and desire was for the day, sharing a special experience with him, and that I truly hoped he would make the decision to join us because these shared experiences are really important as a family and would not be the same without him. But I was deeply disappointed and upset.

The next challenge was the athletic commitments. I don’t know about you, but there does not seem to be a day or night, weekday or weekend, that one of my kids does not have a game, practice or both. And, I get these schedules about 48 hours in advance…no more.

As my oldest son is playing his first year of high school athletics, he feels a tremendous amount of pressure to be at all practices and of course, the kids, and the parents, have been told that there will be “severe” consequences if they miss them.
I discovered that he had a Saturday practice from 10-12 am. Uuuuuugh!

This time, I called my son and sadly told him that I understood his commitment to his team and their schedule, but that I was extremely sad because all I have wanted was to share a special day with him and his brother.

Practically on the verge of tears while talking with him, he interrupted me to say, “I told Coach that I was not going to be at practice Saturday because I would be in NY with my family”.

I couldn’t believe it.
I broke down in tears and thanked him from the bottom of my heart for honoring my wishes. I might get my vision after all!

As it happens, my youngest son also had to get out of a game commitment but by Friday evening, we were all free and clear for the next day’s adventure!

We took the train into the city on Saturday and spent the day walking around New York. We looked at beautiful windows, we saw the gorgeous tree at Rockefeller Center and we stopped into every store that they wanted. We laughed and ate NYC pretzels and walked arm and arm through the city.

I could not have imagined a finer and more joyful day.

The money I gave them for the day was the only gift for this year…I, no different from anyone, have felt the effects of the economy and am cutting back on unnecessary expenses. They loved having their own money and buying the things that they fell in love with.

I told them that the rest of their holiday will be filled with many, many gifts of my love for them and all of the different ways I can express it!

There were many times along the way that I could have given up my holiday vision for a special day because it would have been easier. I have simplified the conflict for the purposes of this article, but there were some highly unpleasant moments I can assure you. I, however, never lost sight of what matters most to me.

Each time the tension grew, I remained focused on sharing my desire to spend special time with them and my commitment to making that happen. By the time Saturday ended, both of my boys asked if we could do this every year and shared that they had absolutely loved the day!

If you ever wonder whether it is “worth it” to go through the conflict and tension to honor what you truly want, I can assure you, it is!

So, you were overwhelmed before you got eeparated/divorced…and now you are simply drowning.

And you are wondering…how did I get here? I never imagined that this is where I would be at this age and stage?

Am I right? Do any of these thoughts go through your mind on a regular basis?

Well, here is the simply truth:

You are exactly where you are supposed to be and only YOU have the power to get what you want in your life.

The women that I worked with at the Greater Atlanta Women’s Empowerment Conference spent over an hour working on just a tiny portion of the Overwhelm Management exercise that I shared with them. Their “homework” was to go home and slowly, over the next week or two, complete the exercise taking into consideration all that they manage in their lives.

A couple of the women shared that they thought the exercise was “hard” and that it took more time than they thought it would.

And after a brief dialogue, they all came to the realization that it has been a long, long time since they have devoted any time at all to working on their OWN lives and really focusing on what they want for themselves.

Instead, they all agreed that they float along in their lives each day, week, month, year…”allowing” things to happen to them, rather than creating the outcomes they want.

Hmmmm, something to think about??

Ask yourself this question…when is the last time you worked on your own life? Actively choosing what you want your life to look like?

I remember back to college when I used to pour over the course catalog each semester trying to identify what classes I was interested in, what time of the day they were offered and how many credits they were worth. Creating my schedule was really important and I took a lot of time to design a schedule that met my needs so that I could enjoy the semester academically and socially.

Your life is no different.
It is hard work to get what you want.
It takes time, energy and exploration.

Having been there myself, I completely understand the overwhelm that comes with separation and divorce. That feeling that you simply can’t spend one minute on anything but getting by each day.

Unfortunately, without taking the time to STOP and gain control over where you are going, you will ultimately end up in the same place that you are now. And, you run the risk that what happens to you is NOT what you want.

I felt exactly the same way.
Until, I was forced, by my parents, to participate in a personal development program.
They told me that if I wanted them to support me in moving through my divorce, I had to take control of my life and begin to shape the direction that I wanted my life to go.
They told me that they could not be there for me if I continued to act like a “victim” and behave as though I had no choice in where my life was going.

And boy…was I angry.

I couldn’t imagine that they were telling ME how to handle my own situation. How could they possibly know what I was going through…after all, they were not divorced and did not have to manage all that I had to. I didn’t, after all, deserve this!!

But…they were right.

I reluctantly engaged in a coaching program where I was again, “forced” to ask questions of myself. To explore what I wanted. To actively choose what would come next.
And again, I loved it! The more I took the time to think about what I wanted…the more I was able to take action to get it.

I thought about my kids.
I thought about my finances.
I thought about my professional future.
I thought about my friends…and family.
I thought about my health…and fitness, how I felt about myself.
I thought about dating and romance… what I wanted next in a relationship.

There was so much to think about…but the more I did, the easier it became to manage each of these areas.

I had actions to take.. and each action led to a new choice. As I made choices, new opportunities opened up.

I talked with my kids about what I wanted…what I wanted life to look like with them, what I wanted professionally, how I wanted our lives to be like…it was great.

I know that it is hard to see it now.
I know that you are scared and overwhelmed.
I also know that only YOU can make it happen.
But you are not alone…you have me. I am here to support you.

When you are ready.

I hope you will join me in making 2010 YOUR year! You DESERVE it! And you CAN create an extraordinary life!

So, let’s talk a little bit about the holidays and the upcoming new year.

Yes, it can be overwhelming.
Yes, it can feel like a time of sadness and loss.
Yes, it is a time of cash outflow.

On the other hand, it is a time of joy, celebration, family, friends and lots and lots of twinkly lights!

My first holiday seasons during and after my own divorce were filled with all kinds of emotions.

On the one hand, things would never be the same again.
On the other hand, things would never be the same again.

The old routines, rituals and holiday habits would no longer take place, but in their place, new ones were being created.

Join me now as I walk you through a little exercise to prepare your heart for the holidays!

Letting go

As you look towards the month of December and the sounds of the holidays are playing everywhere…take a few minutes this week to let go of what was, used to be, should have been…

Take out a clean piece of paper and write down all the holiday rituals, ceremonies and patterns that will no longer be part of your NEW holiday celebrations.

When you are done, put on your warm coat (if you live where winters are cold!), your mittens and your hat and scarf and take a short walk into the woods. If you are not an outdoorsy kind of person or you don’t live in an area that has a woodsy place outside, then create a place of solitude in your home. Perhaps you can light a few candles, dim the lights and invite the silence.

Wherever you are, it is not time to crumple up this piece of paper and burn it in a safe place.

While you may feel that your divorce is an "ending" or that things are now "different", it is really a new beginning. This small ritual will help you to open your heard to possibility and the creation of new shared experiences with your children, family, friends and most importantly yourself!

While this paper burns, say the following outloud:

Today I let go of that which is no more and welcome in that which will be. I open myself to the possibility of what tomorrow will bring and commit to honor what I wish create.

Making Your Heart Sing

What makes your heart sing? What makes you shine from within and lights you on fire about the holidays?

This is the time to indulge in what you want your wonderful holidays to be like…to feel like, to look like, to taste like…

Being Jewish, lighting and decorating a Christmas tree was not part of our holiday celebrations. I have, however, for as long as I can remember, absolutely loved the lit up trees and sparkly lights that adorn the homes of those that do celebrate. They simply make me feel joyful!

After I got divorced, I wanted to make my house sparkly during the holiday season. So, I decided to buy little strings of light and strategically place them in my home. I put some around my fire place and around doorways. I have many, many candles and I light them almost every night…especially in the winter.

This new ritual is something that makes me happy. It is not a religious expression, rather something that makes my heart sing and creates an environment in my home that I want to come home to each night!

So, I ask you again…what makes your heart sing?

Is it lots of sparkly lights?
Is it a pot luck brunch with all of your friends?
Is it working in the soup kitchen on Christmas Eve with your children?

There are many rituals, ceremonies, and traditions that you can do to begin to create your new celebrations!

As you move forward along your journey through divorce, there is so much change. Sometimes, change can open the door to new and exciting opportunities. Often we wait to see what will happen, and allow ourselves to feel like a guest in our own lives. The joy of the holidays is that you don’t need permission to create and celebrate in any way you like! Being home alone does not mean that you are lonely. How you celebrate and spend your precious time is your CHOICE! You can do anything you want, with anyone you want in any way that you want! What a fantastic and liberating freedom!!!

When I was married, New Year’s Eve was always a big deal. We dressed up, we went out, we were part of a serious social planning exercise that began weeks in advance.

Once divorced, I found myself with nothing to do on New Year’s Eve and no one to do it with. Sometimes I have my kids, and sometimes I don’t. What I ultimately learned about myself is that I really didn’t want to do anything at all on New Year’s Eve. I make it a quiet night of wine, good food, a bath…very relaxing and I add in renting movies!

Instead, what I love is to open my home for a pot luck New Year’s Day Open House where all of my family and friends, as well as those of my kids, can come over on their schedule and share the 1st day of the New Year…even if for a short time! It is how I now choose to begin the new year and to set my intentions for what will be.

This is my new tradition and one that makes my heart sing.

Create a little time for yourself to write down all the things about the holidays that make YOUR heart sing. After they are all written down, make a plan to incorporate each one of them over the next month!

I hope that these two exercises help you to prepare your heart for the holidays!

It is your holiday season and you are allowed to design a celebration that fills you with joy!