So, are you one of those?

Are you one of those women who define themselves by their divorce?

There was a time when I was. My “story” was that I was a divorced woman going through a really rough time. And that clearly, I could not be expected to be all that I could be because I absolutely had no control over what would come next.

Does this sound familiar? I lived for about 6 months with this “story”. Defining myself by this transition called divorce.

Even this many years later, there are parts of the story that can still sometimes feel real.

However, I learned early on that this “story” did not serve me at all. And as a matter of fact, exhausted, frustrated and annoyed my friends and family. They simply didn’t want to hear it. My “poor me story” wore them down. To be honest, it wore me down as well.

It was a wonderful excuse that prevented me from moving forward and creating my new life and it held me exactly where I was.

I felt like a failure. That I had let my family down…and most of all, myself down. What had I done to deserve this and to bring this “trauma” on myself.

I felt lonely, afraid and isolated in my own life. I was overwhelmed by all that needed to get done and what potentially was coming down the road for myself.

The “divorce” was the only thing I could rely on. During most conversations I heard myself saying, “you know I am getting divorced”. And then later, “I am divorced, so….”. It was something that made me special in a way. It gave me a reason to stay where I was and an excuse for not moving forward and doing, being and creating what I really wanted to create in my life.

So, why did I do this? Why do you?

Because it’s easy. Because it’s reliable. Because it is scary to let go of the “story”.

It is frightening to begin again. And guess what…it can take a while to stop being scary…and even today, I have many fearful moments. New relationships with friends and family, new professional endeavors, stepping into financial independence, and new romance…all create fear and anxiety.

Clinging to “being divorced” is a way to avoid taking action to design and create your new life.

But holding on to this “story” is the single greatest thing that will hold you back.

The one thing that will prevent you from your own brilliance…as a mother, a professional, a friend and a woman. It will not only exhaust all of those around you, but it will exhaust you more than anyone.

Holding on to this “story” makes you a victim in your own life. I know because I have been there. My children felt it, my family felt it, my friends felt it and underneath it all…I knew it. But I was trapped…I had trapped myself in my own life.

I will never forget the day I let go of “the story”. The day I decided that my new life would begin.

It was liberating. It was like taking a huge, deep breath of fresh air. It was the most freeing day of my life.

I was simply a single mother and woman. Not a divorcee, not a victim, no longer trapped. I could do anything I wanted. Choose my professional life, my role as a mother, my ideal relationship and how I would approach each and every day.

And it was at this point that my journey truly began.

So I ask you once again…are you that woman? And if so, are you ready to rewrite your “story”?

Take time today to write your new story. Take out a piece of paper and write across the top:

“I am a brilliant, beautiful and bold woman…and I am ready for my new life. I am ready to let go. I am committed to….”

Make it your personal declaration of independence!

You are NOT your divorce. You are whatever you want to be.

So, as I have told you, my week was full of fun, familiar, new and exciting activities. But that was not all that this week was about…there were themes that emerged and because I gave myself the gift of quiet…I was able to hear them.

It is on this wonderful vacation that I found my first realization of what you really need to move along your journey of divorce…I had first learned these many years ago, but had forgotten to hold tight to them, even when life becomes loud!

The first thing you need is some quiet every day or week so that you can REALLY hear what your life is telling you. It is a fact that each of us has the answers within us. We know deep down what we want and we need, but life becomes too noisy during transition and we forget to listen.

While I was away I listened to myself and learned that I need more nature in my life, which is actually the second thing you need. But before I talk about nature, let me get back to listening to ourselves.

During the busy weeks that I know we each have, while dealing with all of the things that divorce forces you to deal with, the kids, the custody schedules, the job, the business, the family obligations….and all other challenges that arise, it is almost impossible to remember to make time to listen to yourself. However, it is the most important thing you need to do in order to be able to move forward.

So, make sure that you make and create time each day or week to listen to what your life is telling you.

Nature, as it happens, was the first thing my life told me this week, and, it is the second thing that you absolutely must have. Nature, being outdoors, connects you to something greater and instantly changes your state of being. I have known this my whole life, but when I was married, the pursuit of being in nature was not shared with my husband and so it became just one of the things that I told myself I could live without. But, it is not. We all need nature to ground us and allow us to breathe in opportunity and possibility.

So, you need to find time every week for being in nature. A walk around the block, a hike, playing catch with your dog, outdoor run, skiing, snow shoeing…anything that takes into the great outdoors to breathe in fresh air!

The third thing that I learned from myself was how much I love learning and how we all desperately need it. And I mean learning anything at all!

On this trip, I learned how to cross country ski and what the art of alpine hiking is all about. And I loved them both! Taking on a new kind of skiing, learning the technique and finding out how strenuous it is, was extremely fun! At the same time, I learned by visiting Appalachian Mountain Club visitor sites and lodges, all about this wonderful winter hiking experience called alpine hiking. Incredibly beautiful scenery, strenuous exercise, easy and fun…I am absolutely hooked!

And I realized that it isn’t only me…we are not living unless we are growing. It is imperative that we learn new things…no matter how small, to grow and develop our whole selves.
Take time to think about what interests you? What have you always wanted to do? What have you always wanted to learn or know about or experience?

So, be curious. For without curiosity, there would be no learning or growing!

The last thing that I learned from myself is how important it is to put things into perspective and get out of ourselves. Being in New Hampshire and talking with those who live a completely different life to mine, reminded me that there is a big, huge world outside of myself and my life.

What happens today, tomorrow, next week, month or year…is all my choice. And it is yours as well.

I met people of all ages, stages of life and socioeconomic status. I saw that there are many avenues from which one can come and go through their life. And that life offers us many opportunities to choose those avenues. Going through divorce offers many challenges, but even more opportunities to choose where you want to go and what comes next!

I had the opportunity to take a week off to rediscover these four key ingredients for managing your divorce and any life transition, but it didn’t have to be a full week.
Give yourself a day, a weekend or a mini vacation so that you can reconnect with yourself and your authentic selves.
During a time in your life when it is often difficult to remember these four key needs, it becomes even more critical to create time, however short, to review them and create a plan for them.
Have a great week!

So, it is time to UNPLUG!

What do I mean by unplug? Well, much like it sounds.

Next week I am going on a much needed vacation. No, it’s not an exotic trip to the Caribbean or Europe…No, it’s not going to be fancy dining, drinking and whooping it up….and No, it’s not going to be an expensive “fancy shmancy” resort!

Rather, it is going to be a cozy condo up North where I can enjoy the quiet and solitude of the beauty that winter presents while at the same time allowing me to reflect on what the balance of this year looks like and be present with myself.

All year long I am tied to my computer, my phone and the many, many areas of my life that need my attention. During my vacation week, I will NOT be working on my computer, my phone will be used for emergencies only (and the occasional touching base with my kids) and “putting my feet up with a book” will be a daily occurrence…something I consider a luxury most of the year.
Why am I doing this you might ask? Well there are a number of reasons:

1. Quiet – my everyday existence includes work, phones ringing, computer (facebook, twitter, linked in, my website…) constantly beeping with messages, shuttling children around, food shopping, laundry that needs daily attention, preparing meals and cleaning, cleaning, cleaning!! It is never quiet in my world and after a while, I forget to create quiet time so that my mind can focus, clarify and prepare for moving forward. Taking a vacation week unplugged will provide me with the quiet that will enable me to allow my mind to embrace all that dream about, vision and choose to create!

2. Reading – for many of the same reasons above, I have somehow almost given up on reading for pure pleasure. Sadly, I find that by the time I get into bed each night, I can’t keep my eyes open long enough to read more than a couple of sentences in a pleasure book. My son said to me recently, “Mom, how come you never read anymore? You never read at home but if we are away, you read so much that you don’t have time to do anything with us?”. He was right. I absolutely love to read and one of my commitments for 2010 is to create a new habit of reading at least 30 minutes each day…and my hope for this vacation is to create this new pattern of daily reading!

3. Reflection – Moving, moving, moving….can best describe my life. Every experience, every day, allows each of us the opportunity to learn and grow. Unless, of course, one does not take the time to reflect and explore all that life presents us with. On this vacation week, it is my intention to spend time reflecting on the experiences that the first month of the new year and decade has given to me and learn, explore and grow from. From this opportunity to reflect, I will be better able to create what I want going forward.

4. Full Presence – being fully present is something that is critical for successful growth…of ourselves, our relationships and our movement forward.

With the rushing around of my daily life, it is common for me to forget to be fully present in the moment. I forget to do it with my children, my family and friends…and they feel it. Have you ever experienced being with someone that is NOT fully present when with you? It is something that I strive to avoid, but when life’s daily momentum gets faster than I would like, it is time to UNPLUG, and hence…my vacation has become necessary!
I hope that you will allow my upcoming vacation to be an inspiration for you to create a mini-vacation for yourself where you, too, can create an environment to regroup, renew and reinvent what the balance of 2010 will be for you!

Have a wonderful two weeks and I will see you on the other side!