So, are you ever faced with challenges?

I thought so!!!

When you go through divorce, and especially when you have children, there can be ongoing challenges with having a relationship and partnership with your Ex and possibly family that you no longer wish to spend time with. It is normal and natural to have conflict.

However, it is how you approach the conflict and challenges that begins to create new patterns in your life and allows you to BE the kind of woman, mother and role model that you CHOOSE to be!

When I got divorced, I knew in my head and heart what I wanted to create with my Ex as a new partnership and co-parenting relationship. I knew that I wanted to remember that the children were most important and that we would work together to support our children and create the kind of relationship that would cause them the least amount of pain.

What I hadn’t thought so clearly about was what would happen if he lost sight of our commitment. What would happen if he chose to act in a way that would no longer honor the intentions that we set.

And that is exactly what happened.

It happened for many reasons but the bottom line is that my son’s Bar Mitzvah was the first truly significant event that forced me to face a situation where he and I approached our son’s milestone in completely opposite ways.

His approach was that this was about he and I, and our differences and areas of tension and conflict. That it was about Power and Control.

I approached this as being about our son and that all else could be worked out.

As I learned a long time ago, you can only control what is within your control. And his words, actions and choices were not within my control.

So, I offered lots and lots of possible solutions, each one focused on what was in the best interest of my son. Knowing that time, talent and treasure are all valuable in their own ways, I tried to come up with solutions that would allow us to compromise on all of these.

None of the solutions were acceptable so with no other choice, I was forced to accept that we were going our separate ways. And there was nothing I could do about it.

I was sad.
I was disappointed.
I was frustrated.

So, I got clear.

I got clear about what I wanted the experience to be like with my son, family and friends.

I got clear about what I could offer and provide.

I got clear on how I truly felt and how I wanted to look in my children’s eyes.

I got clear about what I wanted my son’s Bar Mitzvah celebration to look and feel like.

And then I decided to honor this clarity.

I shared it with my kids.

I let them know my vision for this wonderful celebration.

I let them know about the decisions that were being made…with and without me.

I let them know that there were decisions that I did not agree with or want, and that I had tried to create solutions.

I let them know that I honor and respect their father and stepmother, and that my choice would have been to collaborate, but that I could only control me.

I let my family know what was going on and what I wanted to create.

I let my friends know what was going on and what I wanted to create.

And I watched my children’s disappointment and frustration slowly turn into confidence that we were a team and that they could count on me to make sure that this was about them. That I would never create tension and conflict but that I could not always prevent it either.

I moved forward and planned a celebration that was child focused and that honored their father and the choices he had made….even if it was not what I wanted or in the spirit of collaboration.

I watched their father make decisions that attempted to hurt me, but in trying to hurt me, hurt my kids.

They watched me….closely. To see what I would do and if I would retaliate. If I would make vengeful decisions and react out of anger. But I did not.

I stayed focused on what I wanted to create with them. And I was honest and authentic with them.

And they were upset by his actions and disappointed in his choices. The three of us began amazing and open conversations…sharing our feelings and our options. We learned from each other and we grew together.

This past weekend was incredible.

Yes, there was some tension.
Yes, it was not perfect.

But, my son enjoyed every minute of the weekend!!

I was not part of his father’s celebrations as I was not invited. And his father did not accept my invitation to join mine. Regardless, I gave my son permission to enjoy and embrace all of the events that we each created.

My kids, family, friends and community recognize that my Ex acted in a way that was not nice and that focused on his needs rather than those of his son, but that was not the goal.

The goal was to create an experience that honored and celebrated my son….an experience that had been my vision.

• As you face your own conflicts and challenges, how do you want to move forward?

• How do you want to look in the eyes of your children, family, friends…?

• What is it that you want to create? What are you willing to do to manifest that vision?

When we honor our truth and stay focused on what matters most to us, we are then able to be free to create the life that we imagine and deserve.

This week a client asked me why I have chosen to do what I do. And as I answered her, I realized that I have not really been sharing my own truth with you about why I am a Divorce Expert and Coach who works exclusively with women going through the transition of Divorce.

Yes, I am passionate about supporting women to create their ideal life.

Yes, I believe that you should not go along this journey alone.

And, yes, I know how to help women take action…I am a movement maker.

But it is more than that.

In my marriage, I was taken advantage of financially….and I allowed it. I was a victim of someone needing to exert power over me and disregard my thoughts and desires…and I allowed it.

What I realized as I answered my client was that there is much more to the “why” I chose to do what I do.

I have chosen to support women who are allowing or chose to allow themselves to stay in a marriage or life situation that hurts them in any way. It is my divine purpose to work with women and share with them the gifts that I have received through my journey so that they, too, can create what they imagine and deserve.

There were unhealthy patterns in my marriage, and I was the root of some of them. I have learned that I was responsible for behaviors and patterns of behavior that would ultimately allow me to “ignore” the unhappiness that I felt being in a marriage that was not right for me.

So I continued along in my marriage for longer than I should have.

• I was scared to admit that I needed to get out in order to move forward.

• I was lonely in my marriage but also knew that I would experience a different kind of lonliness if I left.

• I was overwhelmed by what a divorce would mean and how I would be able to support myself and my kids.

And yet, Getting out of my marriage was the key to my ultimate happiness as a women.

The honesty and courage it took to divorce and begin my journey was incredible…filled with anxiety and insecurity. However, I did it boldly, proudly and with the intention to divorce with dignity, honor and grace.

I grew to know what I wanted my ideal life to look like and how to get it. And I am really good at it.

As I have journeyed, I made the commitment to share my expertise in doing exactly as I have done. To support women and guide them to get back in touch with the courage, honestly and integrity that is already within them.

And the “them” I am talking about…is YOU.

So when I am asked what makes me an expert and why I chose to become a Divorce and Life Reinvention Coach, it will now be easy to answer.

It is because I have been there, I know exactly how you are feeling, and I known how to support you to move through the journey and create the same kind of blissful life as I have.

We are not meant to go through it alone.

And we need to educate ourselves on how to move forward.

It is not necessarily instinct, there are principles that you can learn and once put into action, will become new habits. They are principles that will completely change your life.

The divorce is your catalyst for change. However, change alone is not effective. It requires progress….one baby step at a time. That is where I come in. It is my greatest passion and joy to see women begin to move forward….it is why I think of myself as a movement maker.

So, if you find yourself living an unfulfilled life, wanting to make change or overwhelmed by what it will mean to take action…allow me to support you in taking the first steps.

This will be the first step in learning to receive love and support.

I am safe.

I am here for you.

So how is your holiday planning going so far?

Feeling stressed out? Overwhelmed? Anxious? Or perhaps you simply wish you could ignore them all together!

If you are feeling this way…PERFECT! I know exactly how you feel and I want to give you the perfect way to plan holidays the way YOU want…all with five little steps!

1. Clarify what matters most to you

It is simply amazing how we, as a people, begin to focus on holidays weeks and even months before the holiday actually will occur. The hallmark cards for Mother’s Day are put out in March…the Passover aisle in the supermarket is set up in February for an April holiday! It’s crazy! And we wonder why people are so full of pre-holiday anxiety!!!

The first step to successfully planning any holiday…from birthdays, to Christmas, to Easter to New Year’s Eve, is to get clear on what matters most to you.

For me, sharing a comfortable and intimate experience with my children and family is at the top of my list for all holiday celebrations. I am not as concerned about what day or time we celebrate, it is the quality of the time together that I value most.

As a result, over the years since my divorce, I have been able to be extremely flexible with my Ex-husband around when I will celebrate my holidays and how we are going to create a holiday schedule for our children.

It is critical to know exactly what is most important to you so that you can begin to design a holiday celebration that achieves your desired outcome!

2. Create a Logistics Plan

Now that you know exactly what is most important to you, you can begin to figure out just how you are going to create it!

For example, Thanksgiving is a holiday for which there is one night. And what matters most to me is that I celebrate Thanksgiving with my children and not without them. In order to accomplish celebrating with my kids every year, I had to be creative, come up with a way that I could make sure to accomplish my desired outcome…and I was. I decided that I was going to celebrate Thanksgiving on Friday evening, the night after Thanksgiving, so that I would always be guaranteed that my kids could be with me.

Now, they get to celebrate with both their mother and father’s families EVERY year instead of alternating each year.

Knowing exactly what mattered most to me enable me to come up with a solution that would achieve my goals!

3. Write your Holiday Vision

After you are clear about what you want and you have thought through the logistics of how it could work…it is time to create your vision!

Your holiday vision is what you would like your holiday to look like. Take a moment to sit quietly, close your eyes and imagine what your ideal holiday would look like.

My vision for Thanksgiving was a warm and wonderful holiday meal with my children and family sitting around a table full of gratitude for all that we have. I keep that vision alive by writing it down each year…a renewed commitment to what matters most.

Knowing this vision allows me to let go of those things that are not part of my vision and focus my energy and attention on creating my ideal holiday celebration!

4. Communicate your Vision and Plan

Once you have your clear vision, it is important to communicate it with those who share a role in it…your children, parents, family, friends, "ex"…

After I created my Thanksgiving vision,I first shared it with my family. It was critical for me to help them understand what mattered most to me. I was asking them to consider giving up a Thursday Thanksgiving celebration and moving their holiday to Friday as well. Because my vision was so strong and compelling, my entire family moved their own Thanksgiving to Friday so that we could all be together with my kids each year.

Next, I shared it with my Ex who was thrilled that he could have the kids on Thursday evening each year without having to alternate.

Then, I shared it with my kids. I made sure that they knew that being with them, together with my family, each and every year was my goal and intention…even though it meant two Thanksgiving holiday nights in a row for them.

Ultimately, with everyone on board, it created a wonderful new pattern of celebrating the holiday and brought us all closer together.

5. Set your Holiday Boundaries

Congratulations! You have gained clarity, created a vision and plan, and been able to successfully communicate it with all of those people who need to know!

Now, you get to set boundaries around how you celebrate holidays. You can decline invitations to holiday celebrations that are not in alignment with your vision.

Should my family have not have wanted to move their Thanksgiving to Friday, I could have made a number of choices:

• I could have declined an invitation to celebrate on Thursday because my children were not with me…or I could have gone without them. It would have been my choice.
• I could have done my own Thanksgiving on Friday night and invited my entire family and allow them to make their own decision about joining us or not.
• I could have created a special Thanksgiving on Thursdays for all of those friends and colleagues who also were celebrating without their children.

Once you have clarity of vision, you will gain the Power of Choice! It is then that you will be able to create and design your IDEAL holiday or anything else in your life!

As always, it is my pleasure to serve and support you! If you need some guidance on how to plan around your holiday challenges…don’t hesitate to set up a time for your COMPLIMENTARY coaching session!