Do you ever have days when it just feels so hard?! I didn’t really know what this felt like until later in my marriage when I couldn’t figure out why some days (more and more as time when on) felt “hard” to get through.

And there were many hard days once I got separated, went through my divorce and began to move forward after.

To be completely honest with you, there are still days when it feels just so hard.

A client said to me today, “is it really possible to have the life you dream of? I only ask because no one I know is living their dream life…as a matter of fact, so many of them are not happy.”

I can’t begin to tell you just how sad I was to hear her ask this question. As a coach, I am surrounded by people; other coaches, experts, consultants and amazing women who are all on a journey towards living their ideal life.

Her question made me stop and really think about what it means to live the life you imagine.

I know that sometimes the “think positive thoughts” rhetoric can oversimplify the journey, but there is so much truth to our ability to deliberately create what we want.

You, me and thousands of others across the country and world have gone through or are going through the transition of divorce. A transition that while forcing us to reinvent many areas of our lives, is also the catalyst for massive growth; personally, professionally, financially, socially, romantically….

And it is exactly this “massive growth”, that is what makes it feel so hard.

Have you ever heard of growing pains? These minutes, hours or days that feel hard, are our middle age growing pains.

The more discomfort and confusion we feel, the greater the growth. It’s true!!!

You may be saying, BULLSHIT! But it is true. Ask anyone who has achieved massive success or achievement in any area of their life. They withstood extreme discomfort, confusion and even pain to get there.

I share this with all of you in the hope that you will say, AHA, now I get it!

Regardless of the stage of the divorce journey you are on, there will be hard days. And, dare I say that I hope you ALWAYS have hard days, because it will mean that you are continuously growing.

What happens to all living things when they stop growing?

They die.

I am sorry that you may struggle through these hard days…or that they may cause you to become “stuck” at certain moments along your journey.

But that is exactly why I do what I do. Because when I had…and have, my “hard days”, I could have used (and still do) a coach to be my champion, compass and overall cheerleader . That is what I aspire to be for you.

So, in conclusion, YES…there will be many hard days. Embrace them. Nurture them. Surrender to them. For they will ultimately lead you to the growth you will need to get to the life you imagine!

So, here’s the real deal. Part of my new year commitment is to give you the down and dirty reality of divorce.

Yes, where divorce ends, your destiny begins.

And yes, there is an extraordinary life waiting for you.

But, as I say frequently, what happens next is up to you…and that depends on how serious you are about moving forward.

The real first step to moving forward after divorce is to understand where you are and why.

This may sound easy…and perhaps you believe that you already know this. But do you?

Do you really know and understand where you are in your journey? Do you hold yourself accountable for what has and will happen in your life?

Divorce is a tricky business.

There are often issues that can “trick” us into thinking things that might not be true. Issues that prevent us from being accountable for what took place in our marriage and our divorce.

Issues such as:

· “he said, she said”

· infidelity

· “bad spouse means bad parent”

· lack of “education”

Let’s break these down so you can understand what I mean.

1. “He Said/She Said”

When a marriage or relationship breaks down, there is a tendency to forget or lose focus on what the “real” issues are. Instead, it becomes easy to get caught up in our own “version” of what happened. A version that is often clouded by years of repeated patterns of behavior .

When I work with clients, we talk about the marriage and relationship and what it really looked and felt like. Who said what, and when. What patterns of behavior overshadowed the issues that lay underneath.

Things are not always what they seem. The demise of your marriage may also not be “exactly” what it seems. Part of the journey forward is exploring these “versions” and learning what you can from them.

1. Infidelity

Aaahhhh, the “I” word. Here is the real deal about infidelity. Infidelity is NEVER the cause of a divorce. Infidelity is a result of underlying issues within the marriage and relationship. It is a symptom of an extremely serious break in the foundation of the relationship.

Like any other kind of “bad behavior”, the person who is unfaithful has to take responsibility for that action. However, being unfaithful does not excuse the other person’s contribution towards the disintegration of the relationship.

Because the pain of infidelity is so great, it overshadows the real issues going on in both the relationship before, during and after divorce. To free yourself to be able to create what comes next, you will need to look beneath the pain of infidelity and understand what caused the breakdown in the relationship.

1. Bad Spouse/Bad Parent

There are so many pieces of the divorce puzzle, and working through it to put them together can feel like running a marathon when you have never even run a mile!

One of the complications when there are children involved is to confuse emotions about the relationship with your Ex with his role as a father.

If the marriage doesn’t work out, it doesn’t automatically make him a bad father. The issues you had in your marriage, and even through and after divorce, are not necessarily issues that will affect his relationship with your children.

The emotions we carry for our Ex can often challenge our ability to work through the creation of a new, co-parenting relationship.

1. Lack of Education

The greatest challenge to the process of moving through the transition of divorce is undoubtedly the breakdown of communication between both parties.

Usually, the breakdown in communication is one of the core reasons leading to the divorce in the first place. And most often, this continues through and after the divorce. It is “not knowing” how to manage conflict within intimate relationships and resolve issues as they arise, that inevitably leads to relationship deterioration.

Here’s the truth. In almost all instances, it is not INTENTION, but rather a lack of education and training, that prevents good communication and the ability to save the marriage.

We were not trained in school growing up on how to communicate effectively with friends and love relationships. And so when we find ourselves in an emotionally charged situation, we do not possess the skills to navigate ourselves out of it.

Do these scenarios sound familiar?

Men, just like us, are going through their own journey….and face EXACTLY THE SAME emotional challenges that we do.

If you are REALLY serious about moving forward in 2011, then the first step is to know where you are, how you got here and fully understand your role in it.

I am here to support you if you should find yourself struggling with this first step. For if you don’t take this step, you may find yourself stuck exactly where you are or repeating these patterns in your next chapter!